It's A Dirty Job
by Red Witch
Summary: Nobody said being a spy was easy. Especially for Archer and his gang of misfits when they have to literally clean up their own messes.
1. It's The Hard Knock Life

**Cheryl burned the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. I also don't believe in the crazy things Cheryl, Mallory or anyone else says. I'm just channeling the madness that takes place after Nellis. Originally this was going to be a one shot but this fic just took a mind of its own.**

 **Nobody said being a spy was easy. In fact…**

 **It's A Dirty Job**

 **Part I: It's The Hard Knock Life**

Mallory Archer was not having a good day.

"I am having such a bad day you won't believe it!" Mallory barked at her son, Lana and the rest of her staff in her office. "First I run out of coffee in my apartment. Because God forbid Ron helps out around the house. I mean he drinks coffee too but does he **replace** it? Or even put it on the damn shopping list?"

"You actually shop?" Pam asked. "For **groceries**?"

"As in actual **food**?" Cheryl blinked.

"I thought you lived on a diet of alcohol, evil thoughts and souls," Pam remarked.

"Me too," Ray agreed with a grin.

"Technically I send out but he should have put it on the list!" Mallory explained. "And of course today Ron decides **not** to sleep in and actually goes to work early so I can't confront him about it!"

"Smart man," Archer remarked.

Mallory went on. "Then on my way to get coffee I had to wait forever behind this whiny little nobody who couldn't decide what kind of coffee she wanted to in order to save her life. Then the barista gets my order wrong. Yada, yada, yada…I'm no longer allowed in that coffee shop down the street."

"Oh dear," Cyril blinked.

"Then on my way in a pigeon decides to use my best coat as its personal bathroom!" Mallory went on. "Long story short, I ended up getting a ticket. Apparently there's some kind of law against shooting pigeons! On a busy sidewalk."

"Yeah they can be real stickers about that," Krieger nodded. "The trick is to shoot the birds at night when no one's around. And use a silencer. Always use a silencer."

"Thanks for the advice!" Mallory groaned. "I almost got my gun confiscated. Good thing I had an in with the police chief but I still had to use up one of my favors. And I may have to give him a few more."

"Ewww…" Archer winced.

"I meant payoffs and bribes, ass!" Mallory snapped. "Then I'm not even in my office for three minutes when that bastard Hawley from the CIA calls and starts complaining!"

"I'm guessing it's about our past couple of missions," Archer winced.

"Yes the _quality_ …and I use that word very liberally because we all know there was no quality on how you morons handled your past few disasters," Mallory snarled. "Displeased Hawley Highness. Not to mention your little road trip to Area 51 and Branson! And your little car chase shootout in San Francisco where one of their agents died!"

Archer protested. "Again that was totally Ethan's fault!"

"Got a stupid lecture about commitment and competence and something or other I wasn't really paying attention," Mallory waved.

"What a surprise," Archer said.

"And to top it all off he was also complaining about the paperwork being backed up!" Mallory grumbled. "I didn't even know there was paperwork to begin with! I'm starting to think having my agency backed by the CIA is not one of my better ideas," Mallory grumbled.

"You do know it's technically not your agency anymore right?" Cyril asked.

"Apparently they've been sending me these forms I have to fill out! Including a certification process form!" Mallory fumed.

"Certification? For what? Drinking scotch and insulting people while telling them to do work you don't want to do?" Ray asked.

Mallory looked like she was going to make a retort but then thought about it. "That one was actually pretty good," She admitted.

"And accurate," Pam added.

"Shut up! What are those interns doing in the mail room? Playing beer pong with Pam again? Those interns need to get back to work!" Mallory barked.

"We don't have any interns," Cyril said. "Remember?"

"Oh right. That explains why I haven't had any mail delivered to my office these past few months," Mallory blinked. "Not to mention it took me forever to re-change my address from San Marcos."

"Yeah that paperwork is always a stickler," Pam agreed.

"But we should have had some interns by **now!"** Mallory snapped. "Didn't anyone put an ad in the paper for them?"

"We did but…" Cyril groaned.

"But what?" Mallory asked.

Lana spoke up. "Funny thing, when a place gets a reputation for killing interns. Interns kind of steer clear of the place."

"Oh come on we haven't killed that many interns!" Mallory snapped. "Okay perhaps Krieger and his lab. I get that. That's mostly on him."

"And a few died along with Brett during that whole CIA drug fiasco," Ray added. "And one overdosed on Krieger's LSD breath strips. Which Pam gave him."

"He said he could handle it!" Pam snapped. "And I only gave him one! He grabbed like ten of them from me so…Not responsible."

"What about that guy you brought to your underground fight club?" Ray asked.

"He signed the disclaimer and he knew what he was getting into!" Pam snapped. "Besides you're one to talk!"

"What did I do?" Ray asked.

"Interesting choice of words," Lana folded her arms. "Aaron in the men's room doesn't ring a bell?"

"That was not my fault!" Ray snapped. "I had no idea the man had a heart condition. Besides according to the autopsy reports he was practically going to die in a few months anyway. All I did was make him happy during his last hours."

"He was," Pam said. "Very happy. He looked like one of the Joker's laughing gas victims."

"Speaking of victims let's not forget that training video fiasco where a few died," Ray added.

"Nobody told me they weren't real ninjas!" Lana shouted. "How was I supposed to know that I wasn't supposed to kill them?"

"You really should have clarified that on your part," Archer said to his mother.

"I was trying to make it realistic," Mallory grumbled.

"Well it was," Lana folded her arms.

"And that one guy's heart stopped when we over tasered him during that other segment," Krieger remembered. "And that other guy Cyril shot."

"That was my bad," Archer spoke up. "I thought it was a good idea to take Cyril to the target range and practice so he doesn't accidentally shoot us all every time he gets a gun."

"I got better!" Cyril snapped.

"That intern didn't," Ray remarked.

"Don't forget the time Cheryl shared some of her gummy bears that one Halloween," Lana added. "Three overdosed and one jumped out the window thinking he could fly."

"Yeah that was a fun day," Cheryl giggled. "SPLAT!"

"And then there was the time Archer decided to play ultimate darts in the office," Cyril went on.

"That was an accident! How was I to know that dart would fly directly into that guy's ear canal and puncture his brain?" Archer barked. "It was his own fault anyway! He was in my shot!"

"So were the ones the time you decided to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in the office," Cyril barked. "With all those fireworks you set off?"

"We still can't get those burn marks and bloodstains off the ceiling," Mallory groaned.

"And then there was the intern you killed after you hired him to replace Bilbo," Lana said to Mallory. "The other guy you killed!"

"That was an accident!" Mallory snapped. "I was just trying to relax him…"

"Seduce him," Archer scoffed.

"How was I to know the man was allergic to alcohol?" Mallory protested.

"Yeah well it turns out they're all allergic to death," Lana said.

Mallory barked. "Cyril get on the phone and call around and get us some new interns!"

"I already did! We've been blacklisted!" Cyril said.

"What?" Mallory said. "Have you called our contacts in the CIA training division?"

"First ones I called and they're the ones who started the blacklist," Cyril said.

"Well what about the Agency for…?" Mallory began.

"Second ones I called," Cyril sighed. "We're blacklisted there too."

"What about the Partridge School for Exceptional…?"

"Them too," Cyril said. "I also called all the other highly classified secret spy training schools. All three of them. Two now. One had to close because of budget cuts."

"How about…?" Mallory began.

"I also called those schools in England, France, Germany, Singapore and Australia," Cyril added. "Again, our reputation preceded us."

"Damn," Mallory frowned. "Oh there's always…"

"I called every temp agency in the tri-state area," Cyril interrupted. "And a few in Pennsylvania! So unless you wanna drive down there and recruit a few Amish we're out of luck."

"Well we need to get some interns somewhere!" Mallory barked.

"Sure we'll just put a personal ad in the paper," Archer quipped. "Help Wanted. Secret spy agency needs able bodied recruits willing to work for free. Must not be afraid of bullets, cyborgs or nerve gas."

"It wasn't that specific but…"Cyril began.

"In other words I wasted three dollars for nothing?" Mallory asked.

"Personal ads in the papers cost over twenty bucks now," Cyril explained. "And that's on the low end of the pricing range!"

"Seriously?" Mallory was stunned.

"Where the hell have you been Ms. Archer?" Pam asked. "Thanks to a little invention called the Internet, newspaper circulation is slower than the blood in Woodhouse's veins."

"By the way has anybody seen Woodhouse? He's kind of missing," Archer spoke up. "I think I misplaced him or something."

"How do you misplace a butler?" Ray asked.

"If there was a way, Sterling would do it. Fine! I'll handle it myself! As usual!" Mallory groaned. "Next item, this office has become even more of a mess than usual."

"Yeah the janitors have been really slacking off," Archer said.

"That's because there are no janitors!" Lana shouted. "There haven't been any since the agency was shut down **last year**! Remember? The fake raid by the CIA posing as the FBI? The gas bombs?"

"Brett dying?" Ray asked. "And a few interns."

"I think a janitor got winged too," Pam spoke up.

"Well that explains why the trash cans haven't been emptied in over a week," Archer looked at Mallory's trash can. It was filled with bottles and papers.

"More like months," Lana groaned.

"Yeah my recyclable cyborg body parts bin is really starting to pile up in my lab," Krieger admitted.

"Why don't we have janitors to clean?" Pam spoke up.

"The cleaning ladies going splat in the elevator incident? Remember?" Cheryl gave her a look.

"But that was a while ago," Archer spoke up. "Can't we just get another fresh batch from some agency?"

"There was another incident," Mallory winced. "This time it really was an accident. I pushed the wrong button and…Long story short Krieger disabled that feature."

"And again that shoot out with the CIA…" Lana added.

"In other words it's pretty similar to our intern shortage problem," Ray said.

"Again a moot point. Even if we could find a janitor to work here we can't afford them!" Cyril spoke up. "We can barely afford an ad in the paper."

Mallory disdainfully looked at the trash can full of papers and bottles next to her desk. "Sterling clean up that mess."

"No! I'm a highly trained secret agent Mother! Not the help!" Archer barked.

"Yes you are! You're **my help** and you will do as I say!" Mallory snarled.

"Okay fine. Cyril empty the trash cans," Archer said.

"Why do I have to do it? Why can't Lana…?" Cyril began.

"Don't even finish that sentence," Lana glared at him.

"Fine, I'll do it," Cyril went to do it.

"NO! I ordered you to do it Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "For once you are going to obey a direct order instead of passing it off to someone else!"

"Oh come on! When do I ever not do what I'm ordered to do?" Archer barked.

"All the time," Lana said.

"I do not!" Archer barked.

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"ENOUGH!" Mallory shouted. "Sterling Mallory Archer clean out my trash right now!"

"You can't be serious!" Archer snapped. "Why?"

"Because you always make messes for me!" Mallory snapped. "For once you're going to clean up one of mine! And the rest of you better get used to cleaning because until our agency gets a cleaning staff or any kind of competent help you're all going to be cleaning this office!"

Several of the staff complained with groans. "Oh come on! Seriously? Are you serious? Oh man! I'm just an assistant!"

"Well I don't see the problem," Lana folded her arms. "I've already been taking care of my office and recycling my trash."

"Oh goody for you!" Mallory said sarcastically. "Give Captain Planet a medal!"

"Gaia would be a more apt analogy," Pam spoke up.

"Please! She's not even cute enough to be Suchi," Cheryl snorted.

"Whoa! What the hell…?" The others gasped in shock.

"You know…?" Lana bristled.

"What is **wrong** with you?" Pam asked Cheryl.

"What **isn't** wrong with her?" Ray groaned.

"Cheryl that was too racist even for me!" Mallory snapped.

"And that is a high bar to pass," Archer admitted.

"What? What did I say?" Cheryl was confused.

"You compared Lana to a monkey!" Mallory snapped. "Albeit a cartoon monkey but still…"

"I didn't compare Lana to a monkey! Jesus!" Cheryl groaned. "I said monkeys are cuter than Lana which they are! It's not a race thing! I just like monkeys!"

"Not surprising since you share an IQ with them," Mallory grumbled.

"Now that's just insulting the monkeys," Ray quipped.

"Monkeys are cute and furry and scream so loud when you set them on fire," Cheryl giggled. "And they have way smaller hands than Lana."

"Watch it you," Lana glared at her.

"Make me!" Cheryl sneered.

"Oh I'll…" Lana went to beat up Cheryl.

"Lana! Don't!" Mallory groaned. "Normally I'd **love** to see you beat the harebrained heiress senseless but one since we don't have any cleaning staff and I don't want to mess up my office even more than it is…"

"It won't make that much of a mess!" Cheryl protested.

"And secondly that's what she obviously **wants**!" Mallory rolled her eyes. "Probably after some stupid cheap thrill."

"I am actually," Cheryl sighed. "It's been a boring week. Even sticking my finger in a light socket didn't do much for me."

"Just ignore her prattle. She's basically what the offspring of Hoggish Greedly and Sly Sludge would be like," Mallory added.

"How do you know so much about Captain Planet?" Archer asked his mother. "You hate cartoons!"

"Because I once had to spend a god awful weekend with Ted Turner," Mallory admitted. "Apparently it was some kind of premiere weekend and was heavily plugging that piece of tree hugging animated crap. He insisted that I watch every God damn episode with him in his private theater with nonstop commentary about how important it is to conserve our natural recourses and blah, blah, blah…"

"I take it you're not a fan," Archer said wryly.

"You **think?** " Mallory groaned. "Ugh. Third worst honeypot mission I ever did. Not only was I forced to watch that insipid cartoon, Ted Turner wouldn't put out! And I had to listen to Tom Cruise babble on about Scientology all weekend!"

She then glared at her staff. "So I don't want to hear your whining!"

"Mother I am a highly trained secret agent," Archer scoffed.

"So are Lana and Ray," Cyril pointed out.

"Meh," Archer shrugged. "Still I mean come on! I mean I know as a spy I have to do dirty work sometimes but not literally! I have better things to do than vacuuming and scrubbing toilets."

"Like **what?** " Mallory glared at him.

"Uh…" Archer blinked, clearly unprepared for the question. "Intelligence gathering."

"From **where?** " Mallory snarled. "New York's priciest whorehouse?"

"Well it's a start," Archer began. "Besides it's not my job to clean things…"

"Your job is whatever I tell you it is!" Mallory snapped. "And if you and the others in the Idiot Brigade don't start shaping up you may have no choice but to fall back on this as a career path!"

"Well I definitely don't want that as a scenario," Cyril winced.

"I'm not a janitor! I'm an executive assistant!" Cheryl protested. "I have like enough to do around here! I'm overworked as it is!"

Just then the phone began to ring outside at Cheryl's desk. Everyone looked at Cheryl. "What?" Cheryl blinked, completely clueless. "You want me to get that?"

"If you're not too busy…" Mallory hissed sarcastically.

"Well I'm kind of in a meeting…" Cheryl spoke. Mallory made a frustrated groan as she answered the phone in her office.

"I was hoping something like that would happen," Archer chuckled.

"Me too," Ray admitted.

"Hello?" Mallory answered in a pleasant tone. Then she frowned. And then screamed in frustration as she slammed the phone down.

"Problem?" Archer quipped.

"It's a damn robo telemarketing call!" Mallory yelled. "It's bad enough I get calls for solar power panels that I don't need nor want, but they don't even have the decency to use a real human being I can insult and hang up on?"

"It's the way of world Mother," Archer poured himself a drink. "Welcome to the future where machines do all the work! I mean why pay an office full of people to do a job one machine can do?"

"Don't think I haven't imagined **that** scenario for this agency!" Mallory growled. "If I could replace all you lot with machines…Oh wait."

She looked at Ray. "I've already started. So much for **that** theory."

"You know…?" Ray looked at her.

"Did you know solar panels are pretty easy to set on fire if you know how to wire them right?" Cheryl giggled.

"It is scary how many times you say something like that," Pam remarked.

"Well as much **fun** as it would be to do some manual labor," Archer scoffed as he took a drink. "I'm going to pass."

Mallory stormed up to him and whacked the glass right out of his hand. "HEY! That's how you get ants Mother!" Archer fumed. "And it's a waste of barley passable Scotch."

"Sterling Mallory Archer…" Mallory growled. "You are going to clean every inch of my office and I am going to personally supervise you!"

"Dream on Mother! You can't…OWWWWW!" Archer yelled as Mallory twisted his ear. "OWWWW!"

"Now listen to me you slackers," Mallory growled at her staff while holding her son's ear. "Don't think I don't know what you've been doing all these years! The drinking, the smoking, the gambling, the gossiping…The figurative and sometimes literal screwing around on my dollar!"

"Don't forget the drug use and experiments!" Cheryl cheerfully reminded her. "And sometimes we take naps when we pass out."

" _Thank you_ Cheryl…"Mallory said sarcastically.

"Oh yeah and we sometimes steal office supplies and stuff…" Cheryl went on.

"Well the free ride ends **now!** " Mallory ordered, ignoring her son's painful whimpers. "I am going to get a decent day's work out of you idiots one way or another. And since I can't get it out of you for doing what you're **supposed** to be doing… I'm going to have to settle for this! ANYONE GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"

She made her point by twisting Archer's ear even more. Archer responded with a painful yelp. "Nooope," Lana gulped.

"I guess it couldn't hurt to tidy up the office a little bit?" Cyril gulped. "Save a little money around here."

"Yeah today is kind of a good day to clean the slime out of my lab," Krieger agreed.

"I thought you'd see it my way," Mallory sneered in triumph. She let go of her son and shoved him to the ground.

"Oww…" Archer moaned in pain.

"Sterling you are going to clean this office! And if you give me any more lip I'll make you do it with a toothbrush!" Mallory barked. "Is that clear?"

"Ow…" Archer lay on the floor.

"I'll take that as a yes. All right now for the rest of you," Mallory ordered. "Pam and Cyril start by cleaning the break room. Ray and Cheryl clean the bullpen. Lana you and Dr. Blight's twin brother over there can start with the recyclables. Then try to tidy up Krieger's lab. And when you're all done with that, then you can move to the bathrooms!"

"That's going to be a chore," Krieger groaned.

"You're going to clean this dump until it shines like the top of the Chrysler building!" Mallory snapped. "NOW GET TO WORK!"

Her staff fled in terror. Except for Archer who was still on the floor. "Oh stop whining," Mallory scoffed as she poured herself a drink.

She took a sip. "Hmm…You have a point about the Scotch."

 **So what happens next? Tune in to see what madness happens! Spoiler alert: It's about to get weird.**


	2. Let It Glow

**Part II: Let It Glow**

"Geeze La Rue," Pam made a face as she looked over the toilet. "Why do I have to help clean the **Men's bathroom**?" She had changed into a white sleeveless T-shirt and sweatpants with sneakers.

"Why do you use the Men's bathroom more than the **Women's**?" Cyril snapped. He had taken off his jacket and sweater vest. And he had also rolled up his sleeves.

"Good point," Pam conceded. "This is even worse than cleaning the break room."

"At least there wasn't a dead pig and an ant colony in the break room," Cyril grumbled as he started scrubbing a toilet with a toilet brush. "This time. The only real bad part was the refrigerator."

Flashback to a few minutes ago.

"Uh whose container is **glowing?** " Cyril looked at the open refrigerator door. A green light emerged from the refrigerator glowing on his face.

"That's probably Krieger's…" Pam looked at it as well.

"What do you think it is?" Cyril gulped. "Should we throw it out or call the bomb squad?"

"Better call Krieger just to be safe," Pam suggested.

Cyril took out his phone. "Hey Krieger. Cyril here. Uh it's about this glowing container in the refrigerator. Yeah I kind of figured it was yours. Do you want us to throw it out or…? Green. No, nothing's moving from it. We don't have a Geiger counter. Do we **need** one?"

"I'd better go get the tongs," Pam sighed.

Back to the present.

"Well at least there were no explosions and no radiation leaks," Cyril recalled with a shudder. "At least I hope there weren't. You think we should have disposed of it in a safer way?"

"What's safer than throwing it in a dumpster down the street?" Pam shrugged.

"I just pray we never get a visit from the Environmental Protection Agency," Cyril groaned.

"I'd like a visit from Ray pretty soon," Pam grumbled. "Where's that mop he promised?"

 _"Someday my prince will come,"_ Ray waltzed in singing with the mop and bucket. He had taken off his jacket and tie and found a white frilly apron to wear over his clothes. _"Someday we'll meet again…"_

"Hey Cinder-Ray-Ella I could use some help over here," Pam called out.

"Where did you find **that?** " Cyril pointed to Ray's apron.

"In the closet," Ray admitted. He turned sharply to Pam. "Not one word Miss Smarty Mouth!"

"Eh that joke pretty much writes itself," Pam shrugged. "Where have you been?"

"I was stuck vacuuming up the crumbs in the bullpen," Ray groaned. "Not easy when Milton keeps popping toast all over the place and Cheryl was trying to set fire to them."

"Why…?" Cyril asked.

"She got high sniffing Lemon Pledge," Ray groaned. "I sort of had to find a place to put her where she wouldn't do any more damage."

"Where was that?" Cyril asked.

"The closet," Ray shrugged. "I know. Phrasing."

"Good call," Cyril winced.

"And I did make a nice little recording of Archer," Ray took out his phone.

"Okay this I gotta see," Cyril got up and went to look.

Ray pressed the play button on his phone. It showed a scene of Archer not wearing a coat and tie on his hands and knees scrubbing a chair with a toothbrush covered in polish. There were smudges of polish on his hands, shirt and face.

"Scrub harder!" Mallory barked as she stood over Archer with a drink in her hand.

"You don't scrub wood Mother!" Archer snapped.

"Well then polish harder!" Mallory snapped. "You missed a spot!"

"I haven't even gotten to that spot yet!" Archer yelled back. "You don't have to stand here and watch me like a vulture!"

"Oh yes I do!" Mallory told him. "Because I know the second I turn my back on you, you'll run off and shirk your duty like you always do!"

"I shirk **my duty?"** Archer snapped at Mallory. "Oh you're one to talk!"

"What was that?" Mallory challenged.

"Come on Mother you barely do anything around here either!" Archer barked. "Except for drinking and giving out orders and insults!"

"I barely do…?" Mallory was furious. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD I WORK AROUND HERE KEEPING THIS AGENCY OF THE DAMNED AFLOAT?"

"Obviously he doesn't," Ray was heard. "Here's the vacuum you wanted."

"Leave it here so Sterling can do some actual work for a change!" Mallory ordered.

"I always do work!" Archer protested.

"You always do whores! Which I end up paying for in one way or another!" Mallory snapped. "Like your recent trip to Vegas. And Branson. And Trinette!"

"Don't forget Juliana back in San Marcos," Ray suggested.

"Oh God I wish I could forget San Marcos! That was a big fiasco!" Mallory groaned.

"Who **asked** you Ray? Wait, are you **recording** this?" Archer barked.

"No," Ray was heard.

"Oh. Okay…" Archer remarked.

"By the way I put Cheryl in the closet," Ray was heard.

"We really should bring back phrasing," Archer snorted. Mallory kicked him. "OW! What was **that** for?"

"That was another whore you did!" Mallory snapped.

"Oh like I was the only one!" Archer scoffed. To this Mallory kicked him again. "OW! MOTHER!"

"Get back to work! You too Princess!" Mallory glared at Ray.

"Yeah go back to work Princess…Damn it, I had something for this," Archer frowned.

"You're going to get more of this if you don't…" Mallory started kicking him again.

"OWW! OWW! OWW! MOTHER!" Archer screamed in pain.

"Keep up the sass Mister and I'll send you to help clean in Krieger's lab!" Mallory shouted.

"No, no, no, no!" Archer pleaded. "I'll be good! I'll be good!"

"You'd better be or else…" Mallory kept kicking him. Archer yelled and screamed.

"Oh God…" Cyril laughed. "That just made my day! Ray can you send me a copy of this?"

"Already done," Ray grinned.

"I guess compared to having Ms. Archer stand over us all day, cleaning the break room and the bathroom isn't so bad," Pam conceded.

"It's even better than cleaning Krieger's lab," Ray pointed out.

"Definitely," Cyril and Pam said at once.

Earlier in Krieger's lab.

"Uh Krieger…?" Lana was looking at a few green glowing boxes. "Should these boxes be **glowing?"**

"Not **that** color," Krieger told her. "That's a tad worrisome."

"On so many levels," Lana groaned.

Just then something grabbed her legs. "What the…?"

"I wuv you!" A metal teddy bear was hugging her.

"What the hell is **that**?" Lana shouted as she tried to remove the mechanical masher.

"That's Cyberneddly Teddly," Krieger said cheerfully. "That's going to be AJ's new playmate. Once I grow some fur on him."

"It looks like the offspring of Teddy Ruxpin and the Terminator," Lana winced. "Get it off! Get it off! GET IT OFF!"

"Actually it looks like it's getting off…NO TEDDLY! BAD ROBOT BEAR!" Krieger pried it off Lana's legs.

"Get away! If I wanted to be molested by a horny metal thing I'd just call Barry!" Lana shouted as she grabbed the robot bear and threw it away. It hit the wall and ran away. "You'd better run you sick little…"

"Sorry about that," Krieger apologized. "I think its programming for affection got a little wonky."

"YA THINK?" Then Lana saw something else. "WHAT THE…?"

"Oh boy…" Krieger gulped as a giant lizard head popped out from behind the glowing boxes. "I really thought I got rid of all those."

Back to the present.

"Yeah this is definitely better than going down **there,** " Ray conceded.

"Come on we need all the help we can get cleaning this bathroom," Cyril sighed as he went back to scrubbing the toilet.

"And to think I became one of the few members of my family to not only graduate high school but college as well so I **wouldn't** end up cleaning toilets for a living," Ray grumbled as he began to mop the floor.

"I hear ya Ray," Pam agreed. "If I wanted to do manual labor that literally stinks I'd have never left the farm."

"Well at least this place doesn't smell like cow manure," Cyril spoke up.

"I don't know what that smells like but it sure as hell is not manure," Ray's nose wrinkled. "Manure doesn't smell like that."

They looked at Pam. "What the hell are you looking at me for?" Pam snapped. "Even my bowel movements don't smell **that** bad!"

"That's debatable," Cyril remarked.

"Well if it's not you who else is responsible for this…?" Ray began.

Just then Krieger walked in carrying something in a container marked **toxic stuff**. "Do, de, do, de, le, dooo!" He hummed as he poured something from its contents into one of the toilets.

"Even as I asked the question…" Ray groaned.

"I believe an apology is in order," Pam folded her arms.

Krieger flushed something down the toilet. "Oh hello!" He said cheerfully.

"Krieger what the hell did you just flush down the toilet?" Ray groaned.

"Maybe you shouldn't answer?" Cyril spoke up. "In case the prosecution wants us for witnesses."

"It wasn't alive was it?" Ray asked.

"Define alive," Krieger blinked.

CRASH!

"CHERYL!" Mallory's yell was heard.

"Oh great, she got out!" Ray groaned. They went to see what was going on.

"WHEEEEEEEEEE!" Cheryl was riding on top of Milton who was zooming around the bullpen. (Well as fast as a toaster machine could zoom.)

"Looks like Cheryl's out of the closet," Ray quipped.

"Are you sure we're done with phrasing?" Archer barked. "Seriously?"

"And they're making more crumbs," Ray groaned. "Great! I just vacuumed this place!"

"I'm flying! I'm flying!" Cheryl laughed. "I'm flying on lemony pledgy goodness!"

"Oh well this is just **great!** " Mallory growled as she and Archer looked at the sight. "Ugh. **What else** can go wrong for me today?"

CRASH!

Three iron clad armored figures burst through the floor. They had silver helmets on and what appeared to be a jetpack on their backs.

"That's on **you,** " Archer said to his mother. "You just **had** to tempt the universe didn't you?"

"Oh come on!" Mallory shouted. "I just had that floor remodeled!"

"CHARGE!" Cheryl whooped as she had Milton run into one of the three armored invaders from behind. "WHOOO HOOO!"

"AAAHH!" The armored invader fell to the floor.

"GET 'EM! MILTON! RIDE 'EM TOASTER!" Cheryl cheered as Milton repeatedly banged the fallen intruder.

Suddenly she was grabbed from behind by one of the other invaders. "Hey! Wait…Just how strong are those robot hands?"

"Guys! We have trouble!" Lana ran from around the corner. "There's these people in weird armor that burst through the lab and…" The armored men looked at her. "Oh. I see you've met them."

"I don't know who you Iron Morons are but you picked the **wrong day** to show up!" Archer pulled out his gun and prepared to shoot. "Because I was already pissed and now I'm triple pissed!"

"ARCHER WAIT! NO!" Lana and Ray shouted.

Archer of course ignored this and shot at the invaders. The bullets harmlessly banged off the armor.

"GET DOWN!" Ray dropped to the floor along with most of the staff.

"Hey watch it!" Cheryl yelled. A bullet grazed her arm. "OW! Great! My dress is gonna have bloodstains on it!"

"MY WALLS!" Mallory yelled. "There are holes in my walls now!"

"Way to go Dumb Ass!" Lana shouted. "Shoot bullets at a bunch of guys covered in **metal** from head to toe!"

"Well obviously I didn't think it through," Archer barked. Then he noticed Milton getting thrown aside like it was a tin can. "And I didn't think about the possibility of those suits having super strength."

Then lasers emerged from the arms of the invaders. "OR THAT!" Archer yelled as the invaders opened fire. He ducked and covered behind a desk.

One of the lasers blasted through the open door to Mallory's office and blew up a chair. "I JUST POLISHED THAT!" Archer shouted.

"Great! Another day, another shootout at the office!" Cyril moaned as furniture around him was blasted. "We have one of these at least once a year! AND IT NEVER GETS ANY BETTER!"

"I'll say! They just blew up the water cooler!" Pam shouted. "Aw man! There's water everywhere!"

"Ruining my carpet and floor!" Mallory groaned.

"I AM NOT CLEANING **THIS** UP!" Ray shouted to Mallory.

"I am having the stupidest day!" Mallory went to take a drink. Only to have a laser blast shatter it. "OH COME ON!"

Cheryl screamed and Lana tried to jump the intruder that was holding her from behind. Only to get grabbed herself. "Really didn't think this through…" Lana winced as she fought with the invader.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" Cheryl gasped. "You're hands are like so freakin' strong! Are you single?"

"Seriously?" Lana barked at Cheryl as she tried to escape.

"Lana mind your own freaking beeswax!" Cheryl snapped. "Now Mr. Iron Invader…Are you doing anything tonight?"

"CHERYL!" Pam and Ray shouted.

"Okay **fine!** " Cheryl groaned. "Do you have any friends for Pam and Ray?"

"This is the second piece of scrap metal that's tried to molest me today!" Lana roared. She grabbed the metal mask of the invader and yanked it off. She then screamed.

The invader screamed and Lana punched his face. She managed to get away to Archer while holding the mask. "Lana? Lana?" Archer went to her.

"Archer…Archer…" Lana panted. "It's…It's…"

"Owie…" The invader stood up and turned around. Everyone gasped when they saw its face.

"Eww…never mind," Cheryl winced at the sight.

It was a green skinned long eared creature with bumpy ridges on his forehead. With a face and beard exactly like a certain scientist they knew. "Ow…" The invader grumbled. "She's really strong…"

"What the hell is that?" Mallory shouted.

"It looks like…Looks like…" Ray was stunned.

"It looks like an Orc and a Klingon had a baby with…" Archer realized it as well.

"KRIEGER!" Mallory shouted. "What unholy abomination got out of your lab **this time**?"

"I'm guessing none of you ever saw my Facebook pages of what I did a few summers ago," Krieger remarked.

"You guess correctly," Lana folded her arms.

"Weeeeeelllll…" Krieger scratched his head. "To make a long story really short. Using Mogwai DNA to fill in some of the genome gaps was not one of my better ideas. And then trying to fight them using a power suit that looked a lot like a popular Marvel comic hero's was also not that good."

"NO AAAAAAAAHH!" Archer yelled as they ducked for cover as the invaders opened fire again.

"Is that any way to speak to your father?" Krieger snapped. "Aw come on guys! Just because I dissected a couple of you doesn't mean you have to kill me!"

"Yeah it kind of does," One of the invaders said in a voice similar to Krieger's.

"Only because you were plotting to take over the world without me!" Krieger shouted back.

"WHAT?" Everyone yelled.

"We only said **maybe we might** take over the world to piss you off!" Another invader shouted.

"We came to take you back to our home Father!" The unmasked invader said.

"Well I'm not going with you until you learn to behave yourselves," Krieger folded his arms.

"Okay fine. We'll take her instead," The unmasked invader shrugged at Cheryl.

"Oh well maybe this day isn't a total loss after all?" Mallory said cheerfully.

"Mallory!" Lana barked. "She's one of us!"

"Eh," Mallory shrugged.

"She's also our only other source of income!" Ray pointed out.

"WELL THEN DO SOMETHING AND SAVE HER!" Mallory shouted. "SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM!"

"With **what**?" Ray snarled. "Bullets bounce off them, remember? And I left my freaking phasers at home!"

"You have phasers? Seriously?" Krieger asked Ray.

"Sarcastically," Ray gave him a look.

"Oh right. But that is an interesting idea for an upgrade if you're ever interested," Krieger remarked.

"For crying out loud! Do I have to do **everything** myself?" Mallory snarled as she broke off a chair leg with her bare hands. Then charged at the invaders. "AAAAAAAHHH!"

"Oh yeah, a wooden stick. That's **much better** than bullets," Ray rolled his eyes.

"AAAAAHHH!" Mallory attacked the unmasked invader.

"Holy DNA! She's strong!" The unmasked invader shouted as she grabbed Mallory's arms to protect himself.

"Nothing like a rage full of alcohol and greed to really do the trick," Ray grumbled.

"As many of her old boyfriends learned the hard way," Archer remarked. "I've seen this before..."

"Take her too! Let's get out of here!" The masked invader holding Cheryl shouted. "Krieglins! AWAY!"

"Mallory! Cheryl!" Lana, Ray and Cyril yelled as the invaders took Cheryl and Mallory through the floor.

"Holy Krieger kidnapping clones!" Pam gasped.

"That is something you don't see every day," Cyril gulped.

"That's something you usually don't see **any day**!" Ray shouted.

"Yeesh. I kind of feel this might be my fault," Krieger blinked.

"YOU THINK?" Ray shouted.

"Great now Mother's been kidnapped too," Archer groaned. "Typical. She always has to make more work for me than usual."

That's when Milton while laying on its side started spewing out toast on the floor.

"Et Tu Milton?" Archer gave the machine a look.


	3. Song Of The Sewers

**Part III: Song Of The Sewers**

"So to recap…" Archer remarked as what was left of the gang wandered through the sewers. The tunnels barely lit from lights from above as they walked on what appeaarend to be some kind of sidewalk next to the waterways. "We are now trudging through the sewers to rescue Mother and Cheryl from Krieger's homemade Morlocks. And I've just ruined a couple thousand dollars' worth of a good suit!"

"They're not Morlocks!" Krieger protested. "Technically. More like a hybrid of clone gremlins and my DNA."

"What makes you so sure they're down here?" Cyril asked.

"It's the address I find on the letters they write me," Krieger replied as if it was the most casual thing in the world.

"Wait. How the hell would the post office…?" Cyril blinked.

"Cyril do yourself a favor and just don't **think** about it," Ray groaned. He had taken off his apron and put on his gun holsters. "Like I am going to try and **not** think about what's floating in that water flowing alongside us."

"Little known fact. It's not all human waste," Krieger said cheerfully. "There's also water in there."

"Imagine that," Archer rolled his eyes.

"As well as saliva, blood, skin and hair samples, fingernails, toenails." Krieger went on. "Every now and then an actual nail or some other metal thing."

"Don't really care Krieger," Archer groaned.

Krieger of course went on. "Mouthwash that's been in other people's mouths. Toothpaste also from other mouths. Shaving cream on various body parts, not always the face."

"Krieger I said I **didn't care**!" Archer snapped.

"Half the time the shaving cream isn't on the face," Krieger went on. "It's on all sort of body parts. Like legs, armpits, chests, the groin area…"

"He's in one of his listing moods. Great…" Archer rolled his eyes.

"There's chemicals of all kinds in that sewage. Bacteria. Insects both alive and dead. Also dead and alive creatures. Or eggs of creatures."

"Ugh so do **not** care…" Archer winced. "Don't tell me anymore!"

"The occasional finger, toe or other body part. Sometimes tails," Krieger kept going. "Even teeth!"

"He tells me anyway!" Archer groaned.

"Then of course there's the occasional vomit which contains food remnants and some stomach acid," Krieger added.

"And now my stomach is churning…" Ray groaned.

"Newspapers, tissues, tampons, condoms," Krieger went on. "Of course the tissues, tampons and condoms are usually filled with puss, blood, snot or semen."

"WE GET THE CONCEPT KRIEGER!" Archer shouted. "Now shut up before I shove you in there!"

"I'm just glad there's some kind of sidewalk so we don't have to walk into **that,** " Lana recoiled from the sight and smells.

"Of course they have sidewalks," Krieger huffed. "Sewer workers are people too. As well as Tunnel People."

"Tunnel People?" Cyril blinked.

"You really don't read my blog do you?" Krieger remarked. "It's actually quite fascinating down here."

"Yes I'm sure the CHUDs down here have their own Broadway," Archer quipped. "Let me guess what the most popular show is. Urinetown?"

"First rule living in the sewer, never address people as CHUDs," Krieger warned him. "It's offensive. And the tunnel dwellers aren't cannibals. Most of them. Technically…"

"God I hate my life…" Cyril moaned. "Remind me to burn this suit when I get home."

"I am going to have to wash my hair for hours to get the smell out," Ray grumbled. "This is not what I signed up for!"

"Not exactly the big thrill of my life either Ray," Lana gave him a look. "I could be…"

"If you say 'staying at home with your daughter' I will literally scream!" Pam interrupted. "Seriously you say that every freaking time something happens now. And quite frankly it's getting annoying!"

"Halleluiah! Someone **finally** said it!" Ray agreed.

"WHAT?" Lana barked.

"You have a life! Big freaking deal!" Pam threw up her arms. "You got knocked up and had a baby! Well so did a billion other women! Like all the time!"

"A mosquito is a mother a thousand times over but you don't hear her going on and on about it," Krieger agreed. "Mostly because you probably can't hear her because she's so tiny."

"Well I'm sorry that my child is giving you all such a problem!" Lana snapped.

"We don't have a problem with your kid. We have a problem with you talking about her as if she's the freaking second coming!" Pam snapped.

"Having a baby was a huge thing for me! It was a life changing experience!" Lana snapped.

"Oh yeah. Like no one else on this team ever had one of **those** ," Ray grumbled.

"Great! You're going to whine about your bionics now?" Lana groaned.

"It's still a confusing thing for me!" Ray shouted. "Why do you think I mentally block it out sometimes?"

"And I never got a single congratulations on the bionic surgery from you either Lana," Krieger frowned. "Or when I started dating. You certainly didn't care about that."

"You're dating a hologram," Lana gave him a look.

"Racist," Krieger grumbled.

"Okay I think we're all getting a bit off track here," Archer spoke up. "Can we argue about this after we save my mother and whatever her name is this week from the Krieger Iron Gremlins?"

"See? Those were **my children** and I never once harped on about that!" Krieger said to Lana. "My children ran off and stole my armor and upgraded it and built a whole freaking advanced underground city but do hear me going on and on about it? NOOOOOOO!"

"Yeah Lana just because you're a parent that doesn't…Hold on now…" Ray stopped and blinked. " **What** did you just say Krieger?"

"About the underground city part?" Cyril was worried. "The **advanced** underground city part? How advanced are we talking about?"

"Uh pretty advanced," Krieger said. "I mean they built a whole city underground with their own self-sustaining power source. And a city defense force of at least a couple hundred. All of course armed with power suits. With really strong lasers built in. So yeah…"

"Wait how could a couple clones make an entire city? Much less an advanced one?" Lana asked.

"Hello? I said I used Gremlin slash Mogwai DNA to make them!" Krieger snapped.

"What does that mean?" Lana asked.

"Did you not see the movie Gremlins?" Ray barked. "Those things multiply in **water!** Meaning when they get wet there's **more** of them!"

"And since we're in a sewer full of water..." Pam realized. "Uh oh..."

"Okay I am really feeling uncomfortable about this plan," Cyril winced. "Maybe we could go back and get reinforcements like I don't know…THE UNITED STATES FREAKING MARINES?"

"Oh yeah we'll just do that," Pam said sarcastically. "Better yet we'll call up Hawley, Slater and the rest of the CIA and tell them **all about** this."

She then made the motion of using a phone with her fingers. "Hello? CIA? Yeah guess what we did? We created a super advanced race of underground Gremlin Krieger Clones with power suits and they kidnapped Ms. Archer and a billionaire and we think they may or may not be planning a world domination scheme. Or at the very least some whacked out breeding program. Could you come on down and help us clean up our mess? We would really appreciate it!"

"Yeah they were pretty pissed at us before," Ray admitted. "They are so not gonna be happy if they learn about this."

"And it will probably be the excuse they need to shut down our office ending our careers as spies," Lana added. "And we'll all be out of a job."

"Not necessarily if my Krieglins do manage to take over the planet," Krieger spoke up. "I could probably get us an in somewhere. They're always looking for people in middle management."

"I think it's safe to say we're on our own with this," Archer groaned. "So it's up to us and blah, blah, blah. Try not to die. Even though the odds are pretty good that we might."

"Way to motivate us Archer," Lana rolled her eyes.

"And uh Lana I hate to say it even though AJ is my kid," Archer said. "You are kind of sounding like a broken record with the whole motherhood thing. It's a bit of a turn off. Just saying."

Lana made a growl. "Can we just go and get your mother and Cheryl back?"

"Yeah before they get ideas and ugh…Use my mother to repopulate their people or something," Archer shuddered.

"I don't think even Krieger's creations are **that** desperate," Ray spoke up. "Besides they're gremlins, they only need water."

"And they learned how to turn off that ability mentally so they don't have a couple dozen kids every time they take a shower," Krieger nodded. "Still yeah, they can reproduce asexually a lot faster than the normal way. So it's pretty unlikely they will use Cheryl and Ms. Archer for that purpose."

"I'm a little worried here," Cyril spoke up.

"What a shock," Archer said sarcastically.

"Aren't we sort of under prepared for this mission?" Cyril asked. "I mean we are talking about a few hundred monsters in power suits…And all we have are some guns."

"Relax Cyril," Archer scoffed. "We can handle them. Besides I'm sure Krieger has some kind of weapon thingy or remote control that will neutralize those suits."

"Oooh. That would have been a good thing to bring wouldn't it?" Krieger asked.

"Some days I wish I stayed a humble minister…" Ray groaned. "Or stuck with my dancing career. Not that many but this is one of them."

Just then a strange growling sound was heard. "What was **that?** " Cyril nearly jumped a foot at the sound.

"Oh don't worry about that," Krieger waved. "That's just a reverberation from a harmless feral sewer cat."

"And what's **that?"** Cyril gulped at the sound of a rumbling noise.

"Subway going through a tunnel a few walls over," Krieger snorted. "Nothing to worry about."

"Are those **rats** I hear?" Lana gulped at the sound of squeaking.

"Again, relax. They're more scared of us than we are of them," Krieger told them. "There's a lot of strange sounds in the sewers. So you don't have to jump at every little thing."

"Chirp! Chirp!"

"Okay **that sound** is cause for concern," Krieger gulped, going slightly pale. "We really should walk a **lot** faster now."

"That sounded a little bit like a cricket," Ray blinked. "A really big cricket."

"It's not a cricket! Just keep moving! Just keep moving!" Krieger was walking very fast.

"Chiiirrrrp!"

"And now we're running!" Krieger gulped as he broke out into a run. "We're running now! Running away as fast as we can now!"

"What the sewer-snacks is making **that noise**?" Pam asked.

"I don't know but if **Krieger** is worried about it…" Archer gulped. "We should run."

"Good idea!" Ray said. And they did. The chirping grew louder.

"This way! Hurry!" Krieger pointed to a wall. He pushed a few bricks and the wall revealed a secret passage. "Get in! Get in!"

"Wait why can't we just **shoot** whatever's chasing us?" Archer stopped.

"Bad idea! Get in!" Krieger ordered as the others entered the secret passage.

"Look whatever it is…" Archer began. Then a pair of very huge green claws emerged from the sewer waters. "JESUS H CHRIST!"

Archer shot at the claws but the bullets bounced off. Krieger grabbed Archer and pulled him into the secret passage and closed the door just before the claws got them. "That's why I told you it was a bad idea!" Krieger snapped.

"Well obviously I didn't realize that!" Archer snapped at him. The ground seemed to shake. "Whoa!"

"Boy did you make Pinchy mad," Krieger whistled. "We'd better get out of here before he breaks the wall down."

"Krieger please tell me you had nothing to do with creating Pinchy," Lana groaned.

"Okay I will," Krieger said cheerfully.

"It's a lie isn't it?" Lana asked.

"Yes…" Krieger admitted. "Come on this way!"

"Remember when I said a minute ago that that there weren't that many days when I wished I had simply stuck with my dancing career?" Ray sighed. "Well that number is increasing. Dramatically."

"And now we get to go down a dark tunnel leading to God knows where," Cyril groaned. "Perfect metaphor for my career if there ever was one."

"I can't see a damn thing," Ray grumbled.

"Don't worry. You don't need to. It's a one way tunnel to…" Krieger stopped. Everyone bumped behind him. "OW!"

"Krieger! Did you stop?" Archer groaned as everyone bumped into everyone else. "Oh for crying out loud!"

"Archer get your God damn hands off my breasts!" Lana shouted.

"That's not me!" Archer protested.

"It isn't!" Pam cheerfully called out.

"PAM!" Lana and Archer shouted.

"Whose hand is on my ass?" Ray called out.

"Uh sorry…" Cyril apologized.

"Don't be," Ray snickered. "I'm kind of flattered actually."

"It was an accident!" Cyril shouted.

"Yeah you were trying to feel up Lana!" Pam laughed. "Too bad I beat you to it!"

"I'm gonna beat the both of you if…" Lana began.

"Hold on!" Krieger interrupted. "This wall should not be here. I think we might be lost."

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted.

"I think we passed where we were supposed to go," Krieger admitted.

"This isn't just a metaphor for my career," Cyril wailed. "This is my **life!"**

"Calm down! I think I know where I made a wrong turn," Krieger said.

"I know where I made a _wrong turn_ ," Cyril grumbled. "The day I answered an ad in the paper for a job in this office!"

"Me too," Ray admitted. "Okay whose hand is on my ass now?"

"Honk! Honk!" Pam said cheerfully.

"PAM!" Ray snapped.

"You do have a nice ass," Pam admitted. "Nice and firm but squishy in the right places."

"As flattered as I am…" Ray began.

"HEY!" Archer yelped. "PAM!"

"Archer's yours is nice too!" Pam quipped. "Okay whose hand is on my ass?"

"Mine!" Krieger said cheerfully. "Nice!"

"Thank you!" Pam said cheerfully.

"And whose is this?" Krieger tried another one.

"That's mine again!" Ray snapped.

"Wow. You really do have a nice ass Ray," Krieger said.

"This is disturbing on so many levels," Ray groaned.

"If we're all done with the grope fest?" Lana barked as she turned her phone on to reveal some light. "Cyril get your hand off my ass!"

"That's not me!" Cyril protested. "I swear!"

"CYRIL I CAN SEE YOU!" Lana shouted.

"Oh right. Sorry…" Cyril gulped.

"Remind me to slap you when I can see your stupid face properly!" Lana barked.

"Here," Ray turned on his phone and added more light.

"Thank you! Archer hold my phone," Lana gave her phone to Archer. She then proceeded to slap Cyril. Then Pam. Then Krieger.

"OW! I didn't molest you!" Krieger protested.

"I know! I'm slapping you because this is all your fault!" Lana shouted.

"How is this my fault?" Krieger asked. "Because I got us lost in a dark tunnel while escaping one of my mutated creations? And that we're only down here because some more of my mutated creations kidnapped…Oh wait. Yeah. I see your point."

"Become a secret agent my mother said," Archer groaned. "See the world and meet interesting people my mother said! Yeah this is **way better** than being a professional lacrosse player!"

"Can we just find a way out of here?" Lana was frustrated.

"You know you wouldn't be so frustrated if you…" Pam raised an eyebrow.

"No Pam!" Lana barked.

"Aw come on Lana! I know you're just mad because you didn't get to grope anyone," Pam pointed out. "And neither did Archer and Ray."

"Fine everyone gets a free groping one time pass except for Cyril, Pam and Krieger!" Archer barked. "I'll start!" He put his hand on Lana's backside. "Wow Lana you're starting to really trim down."

"I had a baby! Not a bunch of cheeseburgers!" Lana barked as she swatted his hand away. "And I never agreed to the groping!"

"Too late. It's happened," Archer smirked.

"Okay fine!" Lana then went and put her hand on Ray's behind.

"Hey!" Ray and Archer barked.

"Oh don't be a baby," Lana rolled her eyes at Ray. "And I have to admit your ass is pretty firm."

"Why did you go for him and not **me**? He doesn't appreciate it!" Archer shouted.

"Curiosity mostly," Lana admitted.

"Fine! Okay Ray! Get it over with," Archer braced himself.

"Fine," Ray shrugged. Then goosed Cyril.

"Hey!" Cyril yelled.

"What the…? WHY HIM?" Archer shouted.

"Curiosity. Did you **want** me to grope you?" Ray asked with a smirk.

"No! But I didn't want to not be groped even more!" Archer said.

"Okay! HONK! HONK!" Pam goosed Archer's behind. "WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!"

"We are going to die down here aren't we?" Cyril moaned.

"Looks like it," Ray groaned.

"Can we just get out of here?" Lana was extremely frustrated now.

"Oh right. This way," Krieger moved around, bumping into everyone. "Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through! Whoo!"

"Whoo! Whoo!" Pam whooped as she goosed Krieger.

"Beset on all sides by horny idiots," Lana groaned.

"Now you know how I feel every day," Archer remarked.

"You're Horny Idiot Number One!" Lana barked.

"Well as long as you acknowledge I'm in charge," Archer shrugged. To this Lana made a frustrated sound.

"Okay here we go!" Krieger found the opening. "Watch your step now."

"Why did I ever take this job?" Cyril groaned as they went along. "Looking back on it now being a defense attorney wasn't the worst job in the world. So I was around insane criminals all day? At least they were all in handcuffs and behind bars!"

"Sounds like a fun weekend at Ray's place," Archer quipped.

"You know…?" Ray glared at him.

"Just please everyone focus!" Lana was frustrated. "This is a rescue mission! Not a tour from Willy Wonka in his chocolate factory!"

"Uh Lana…" Ray pointed ahead.

Lana saw what Ray saw. "I don't believe this…"

Before them in a huge tunnel was a medium sized purple and gold boat tied to a dock. It was labeled _The Good_ _Ship Kriegerpop._ "TA DA!" Krieger said proudly.

"I don't F$#%^^^ believe this," Lana groaned.

"It is just like Willy Wonka!" Archer was ecstatic. "I get to drive! I'm the captain!"

"Excuse me! This is my ship! I am the captain!" Krieger huffed. "And I'm the only one who knows how to get there so…"

" **You're** piloting the ship?" Cyril blinked. "Now I'm really worried."

"Didn't you once sink a replica of the Titanic?" Ray asked. "While it was chained to the dock?"

"That was pure luck!" Krieger waved. "Come on board!"

"Death is waiting for you…" Ray quipped as they boarded.

"Well I guess this day isn't a total loss," Archer said as the boat started to move.

"Uh shouldn't we have life jackets?" Cyril asked in a worried tone.

"We really should," Krieger frowned as he piloted the boat. "I really need to get some one of these days."

"And a follow up question," Cyril moaned. "What about that Pinchy thing? Won't it come down here after us?"

"Oh no. Pinchy never comes down here," Krieger waved. "He's way too scared to go this far below."

"We are all going to die!" Cyril wailed.

"That's the spirit!" Krieger said cheerfully. "Because there's no earthy way of knowing which direction we are going!"

"And there's no sign of drinks that are showing," Archer remarked. "Or any decent libations that should be flowing."

"Is it raining or is it snowing?" Cyril winced as some drops of glitter fell from above and tried to avoid them.

"It's guano that's glowing!" Krieger explained. "The bowels of the rainbow bats are overflowing!"

"And the madness just keeps on going!" Ray groaned as several multicolored glowing bats flew overhead.

"And my need for a drink is growing!" Archer searched his pockets for a flask that wasn't there.

"But we're just gonna keep on going!" Krieger said cheerfully.

"Cause my appetite for booze isn't slowing," Archer added.

"And the…" Pam began.

"WILL YOU ALL KNOCK IT OFF?!" Lana shouted.

"Geeze somebody's cranky," Krieger scoffed.

"I'm not cranky! I'm pissed off!" Lana barked.

"Well you're in the right place for it," Pam quipped. "Because we're in a sewer. And it's full of…"

"I **know** where we are Pam!" Lana barked. "I also know we're going up against some heavily armed mutant clones and are woefully unprepared. I mean what the hell are we going to do when we find these things? Our bullets just bounce off their armor!"

"Don't worry about it Lana! Relax!" Archer waved. "We've been up against a lot tougher guys with a lot less before. We'll figure it out."

"Well what if we can't Archer? What if something goes wrong and odds are it will…" Lana glared at him. "And somehow Cheryl and your mother get killed? Archer? Archer? Why are you **smiling** like that?"

"I'm not smiling," Archer had a grin on his face. "What? If anything happened to Carol I would be **devastated**. Oh and Mother too. And if God forbid she did die…I'd be the one to take over the agency!"

"Which means you'd have to be financially responsible for paying all the bills," Ray pointed out.

"A lot of overdue bills," Cyril added.

"Oh," Archer frowned. "Okay yeah. I see your point. But I'm pretty sure everything will work out fine. It just always does."

"Not always," Ray groaned.

"Is it me or is the smell not as bad down here?" Pam realized something.

"There are a lot of filters before this part of the underground," Krieger explained. "Gets rid of a lot of the crap and other stuff. I'm glad you guys finally made it down here. It's really fascinating."

"Giant mutant monsters and glowing bats. Yeah real interesting," Lana groaned.

"It is, isn't it?" Krieger totally missed the sarcasm.

"Are those **billboards**?" Cyril blinked in shock. He pointed to several billboards hanging from the high celling.

"See Under Broadway's New Hit Musical," Ray read one. "Singing in the Sewers."

"Behind the Mask, a one man play with the Phantom," Pam blinked. "Rotten Tomatoes gives it a bumper crop."

"The Cockroach King," Cyril read a few. "Grime and Punishment. The Alligator Cometh. Stinky Boots. Jersey Sewer Boys. Rats. I don't believe it. They **really do** have a theater district down here!"

"I know. I was only joking before," Archer looked around. "Oh my God! They **do** have a production of Urinetown going on!"

"It is a rather appropriate fit," Ray admitted.

"They even have a production of the Mousetrap!" Archer pointed to another billboard.

"Wow, Agatha Christie really didn't want that play to be made into a movie did she?" Cyril asked.

"Look at this one!" Pam pointed. "Together We Can Defeat The Topsiders?! Krieger that's **your picture**!"

"I put on the occasional puppet show down here," Krieger admitted. "It got great reviews. Again if you all read my blog…"

"What is **that** over there?" Lana pointed. It was a dock with a very brightly multicolored building on it. There were several small boats tied around the dock and live music could be heard playing. The sign outside said CENTRAL PERK.

"Oh that," Krieger waved. "TV themed coffee houses and restaurants are real big down here."

"Krieger!" A man waved from the dock. The man was wearing a robe with a red hood. The most startling thing about him was that in addition to furry golden claws he had a half-human, half lion face. "How's it going?"

"Hey Vincent!" Krieger cheerfully waved. "How's Catherine and the kids?"

"Fine! And how's your girlfriend?" Vincent asked.

"Ugh. Still complaining about how I'm not committed enough," Krieger said. "I'll tell you all about it at the next meeting."

"See you then. Oh and it's your turn to bring snacks," Vincent called out.

"Will do!" Krieger said cheerfully. Vincent left and everyone looked at Krieger. "What?"

"Krieger who was that and what meeting is he talking about?" Cyril asked.

"That's Vincent. And he's from around," Krieger waved. "And the meeting is…bridge club. Yes. Bridge club. Certainly nothing about plans for mutating the surface world and taking over! Ha ha ha!"

"And that's another thing I'm going to try and repress in my mind," Ray groaned.

"We're all going to try and repress this day in our mind Ray," Cyril sighed.

"So I'm guessing there's a whole society underground," Archer remarked as they passed several houseboats and several more buildings on dock like structures.

"Oh yes," Krieger nodded. "It's a wonderful dystopia down here."

"Holy Under The Sewer Snacks," Pam whistled as they went past a small café on a dock. Several of the patrons had half human-half animal features. Mostly rat like and cat like. "I mean we've been to some pretty weird places before…"

"If Art Carney comes out singing I am officially going to lose it," Cyril admitted.

"If I see some turtles walking around eating pizza I am going to lose it," Pam admitted.

"For me it will be if I see a gay mole person bar," Ray told them.

"That is stranger than turtles eating pizza," Pam realized. "Can I change mine?"

"This is pretty cool," Archer looked around. "Look at that mural on the celling. Pretty awesome detail. I mean if Michelangelo had a cousin that worked in the sewers…"

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself," Lana groaned. "Because if the CIA ever disavows us and we lose our jobs we may end up **living** down here!"

"I wish we had time to give you guys the full tour," Krieger said as he piloted the boat to another dark tunnel. "The underground aquarium is a real treat! Their sewer shark shows are amazing to watch!"

"I'll bet," Lana groaned as her stomach churned. "Krieger why are we going **faster?** "

"Need to pick up some speed to go slightly higher and then hit the drop off point," Krieger explained. "I'd hold onto something if I were you."

"What do you mean by drop off point?" Cyril asked.

"Well more like a drop down point," Krieger explained. "It is a ninety degree angle after all."

"Wait **what**?" Cyril yelled.

Too late they realized they were indeed about to go down a ninety degree angle. "AAAAAAAAHHH!" Several of them screamed.

"BANZAI!" Krieger cheered as they went down.

"WHOO! HOOO! THIS IS JUST LIKE SPLASH MOUNTAIN!" Archer whooped. "WHOO!"

"Yeah if Splash Mountain smelled like **SSSSHHIIIIAAAAAAAH!"** Pam screamed as they went faster.

SPLASH!

"AAGGHHH!" Several people yelled when the water doused them.

"Oh great! Now we're soaked with…Wait a minute…" Lana realized. "This water is completely clean."

"So we're only just soaked? Well that's slightly better," Ray groaned.

"Oh yeah the filters are really at their strongest around here," Krieger explained. "Looks like the Krieglins made some improvements to their place since the last time I was here."

"SOME IMPROVEMENTS?" Ray's jaw dropped when he saw what was ahead of them.

In the middle of what looked like a giant underground lake was a huge futuristic looking city made of cement and crystals surrounded by a giant wall. "Well I'm pretty sure that wall wasn't there the last time," Krieger scratched his head.

"It looks like Metropolis only all of it is underground!" Archer barked. "What? Are we gonna have a tour of the gardens with Freder, Frederson and Grot?"

"Krieger…exactly how many Krieglins are there?" Lana gulped.

"Well I only started out with a couple," Krieger admitted. "And then uh…Well you do remember I used Mogwai DNA to fill in a few gaps? And of course they evolved into Krieglins…And like Gremlins all you need to do is add water…"

"And you get instant army!" Lana moaned.

"Where the hell did you get Mogwai DNA in the first…?" Cyril began. "You know what? Forget it! I don't want to know!"

"I think we're dealing with more than an army here," Pam pointed. "Holy City of Ember they've got a monorail too!"

"And some very big ray guns on those turrets," Ray gulped.

"Krieger…" Archer gave the scientist a look. "Did you also…I don't know…Give **weapons** to your Krieglins too?"

"I did **not** give weapons to my creations!" Krieger was indignant. "They obviously made some upgrades on the ones they stole from my lab."

"Of course they did," Cyril groaned.

"And it looks like they made up a few new ones as well," Krieger looked at the fortress. "Wow that super intelligence I gave them really came in handy."

"You made your creations super intelligent as well?" Archer barked. "WHY?"

"I needed someone to play Risk with," Krieger said simply.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ASK CYRIL?" Ray snapped.

"Yeah I play Risk too!" Cyril snapped.

"Oh yeah. I forgot," Krieger blinked. "Uh. I guess creating them was rather unnecessary."

"I have a new plan," Ray looked at the others. "We trade Krieger to the Iron Gremlins for Cheryl and go home!"

"What about Mallory?" Lana asked.

"What **about** her?" Ray asked.

"I think that's a good plan," Pam spoke up. "All those in favor?"

"We can't leave my mother with the Krieger Gremlins," Archer said. "God only knows what she'll do to them."

"Right. Knowing her she'd probably try to replace us with them," Ray realized. He then realized something. "Oh Dukes you don't think…?"

"I wouldn't put it past her," Archer moaned. "Great now our jobs are really on the line!"

"So what now oh great leader?" Lana asked sarcastically.

"Uh…" Archer blinked. "Give me a minute…I think I can come up with a plan as long as we have the element of surprise."

"ALL RIGHT YOU GREEN SKINNED JERKS! THIS IS YOUR FATHER SPEAKING! LISTEN UP!" Krieger then shouted into a very loud bullhorn.

"And there goes the element of surprise," Ray groaned as several spotlights hit the boat.

"Now listen up!" Krieger kept talking. "I know it's all fun and games until someone gets kidnapped. And yes it can be fun to torment unsuspecting victims but you guys have gone too far! As your father I have to say I am very, very disappointed in you!"

"I may have overestimated my ability to make this plan work," Archer gulped.

"YA THINK?" Ray shouted.

"Now I'm going to give you to the count of three to let Cheryl and Ms. Archer go!" Krieger snapped. "If you don't I'm going to give you a very stern lecture!"

"And I also believe that I overestimated Krieger's ability to help fix this mess," Archer groaned.

"AGAIN! **YA THINK**?" Ray shouted.

"We are so dead…" Cyril moaned.

"Kind of looks like it," Pam gulped. "I mean I know my sister always said I'd die in the gutter but this is ridiculous."

"ONE! TWO! THREE!" Krieger shouted into the bullhorn. "Come on! Give them back! Oh what are you going to do? Fire your advanced laser weapons on us?"

"And that's how they died," Lana groaned as the weapons were trained on them.

 **Next up: The crazy conclusion!**


	4. Walking In A Weirdo Wonderland

**Part IV: Walking In A Weirdo Wonderland **

"I can't believe we survived this far," Cyril moaned. Somehow Archer and the gang managed to make it into the city. Now they were crouched behind Krieger's boat hiding from a horde of Krieglins in power suits firing lasers at them.

"The day's not over," Pam quipped. "We could still die a very violent death."

"Thank you Pam for **that** ray of sunshine!" Ray snapped as he fired his guns. "Dukes! This doesn't do any good!"

"Yeah it's like we brought iron pea shooters to a laser gun party!" Lana shouted.

"We so should have prepared better for this," Cyril groaned. "We're all gonna die and it's gonna be Archer's fault!"

"Me? How am I to blame for this?" Archer snapped. "I got us in here! I'm the one who commandeered the ship and turbo boosted it to break the gates!"

"Yeah and now we're all trapped in here asshole!" Lana snapped. "We're pinned down and these guys are going to blow us away at any moment!"

"I am so stunned we survived this long," Cyril groaned. "And that the ship was able to sail through the gates right into the city's square."

"Well it is powered by rocket fuel," Krieger explained. "With a tiny bit of plutonium thrown in."

"Oh God we are so going to die…" Cyril moaned as he put his head in his hands.

"So what's the plan now Captain Ten Thousand Leagues Under the Sewers?" Lana snapped at Archer as she fired her weapon.

"I'm working on it!" Archer snapped as he fired. He noticed the bullets bounced off the armor. "And I really could use some ideas. And a decent drink."

"We could use a tank," Ray grumbled.

"More like an amphibious submarine," Archer corrected. "Man when are they going to invent that? That would be awesome! We could blow up these guys no problem with that!"

"Don't kill them! They're my babies!" Krieger wailed.

"Now who's whining about being a parent?" Lana groaned.

"So to recap," Cyril groaned. "We're all doomed."

"Great! Just great!" Ray threw up his hands. "I spend half my life fighting to get out of the trailer park I was born in only to die in a sewer! Typical!"

"Ray that's not exactly…" Archer then did a double take. "RAY!"

"WHAT?" Ray shouted.

"I've got it! Run over there to draw their fire away!" Archer shouted as he pointed in a direction. "I bet if you're fast enough you can grab some of those lasers away from the Krieglins for us to use!"

"Are you out of your mind?" Ray snapped. "The second I step foot out there I'm gonna get blasted into a bazillion little pieces!"

"Not if you use your super speed!" Archer barked.

"His **what**?" Lana did a double take. "Ray has super speed?"

"I don't have super speed!" Ray protested.

"Yes you do! Remember in Krieger's lab?" Archer shouted. "You were going ninety miles an hour on that treadmill. Would have been faster if you weren't smoking!"

"Oh right," Ray realized.

"When was this?" Lana barked.

"When we were doing those stupid certification tests for the CIA," Archer explained. "Which turned out to not even be the real tests!"

"I was just curious and wanted to run some tests of my own," Krieger admitted.

"How can you forget you have super speed?" Cyril snapped at Ray.

"Did I or did I not say just a few minutes ago that I have some **issues** with being a cyborg and have **mental blocks**?" Ray barked.

"You're just mental period," Archer remarked.

"You know…?" Ray glared at him.

"To be fair I forgot about that too," Krieger spoke up.

"Yeah well you're not exactly always on top of things," Archer remarked.

"You have a point," Krieger admitted.

"So Ray, you have freaking super speed like the Flash and you never even **thought** about…?" Pam was stunned.

"I have **issues**! I think it all goes back to when I was a kid and my Daddy…" Ray began.

"Ray we don't exactly have time right now!" Archer barked.

"Oh I see! We have time for all **your** issues and Krieger's insanity and Lana's constant nagging…" Ray snapped.

"Hey!" Lana snapped. "I do **not** nag!"

"Yeah right! And I'm a size four again!" Pam snorted.

"Well that is on Lana," Krieger said. "Maybe if she cut down on the nagging and self-righteous lecturing…"

"Leaving no time for me and my issues!" Ray snapped. "Archer you're not the only one who had a dysfunctional childhood y'know?!"

"That's true," Archer said. "Lana you really should cut down on the lecturing and give Ray a little time to talk."

"WHAT?" Lana yelled.

"He does have a point Lana," Pam said. "I'd rather hear about Ray's past than your lectures. But you whine so much you don't let the guy get a word in edgewise!"

"She doesn't let any of us get a word in edgewise," Krieger added.

"From what little we do know about Ray's childhood it is kind of disturbing," Cyril admitted. "On a lot of levels."

"Look we can all do a nice therapy session after we survive this!" Lana barked. "Ray just use your damn super speed and do it!"

"And she's giving me orders like she's the boss again!" Ray grumbled.

"I know. But just humor her this time," Archer groaned. "Well what are you waiting for?"

"I'm trying to remember how I did it," Ray snapped.

"What do you mean **how** you did it?" Archer shouted. "You put one freaking leg in front of the other really, really fast! I mean I know you've been paralyzed a lot but Jesus Christ Ray…"

"I'm trying to remember how I accessed my super speed!" Ray snapped. "I told you I have mental blocks when it comes to me being a cyborg!"

"You're just **mental** period! Unbelievable. Of all the cyborgs in the world we get the only one that **doesn't** know how to use his powers!" Archer groaned. "If only Barry had this problem my life would be so much easier!"

"Ray don't think! That's how you accessed your powers before!" Krieger shouted. "Just trust in your bionics and do it!"

Ray wailed. "Trust in _my bionics?_ That's part of my issues!"

"Oh God!" Archer moaned. "We're doomed because our cyborg is having the wrong kind of breakdown! I tell ya Ray, if we could find a way to transfer your neurosis to every machine on Earth, I would never have to worry about the robot apocalypse again!"

"That would make an interesting project wouldn't it?" Krieger said cheerfully.

"You've done enough!" Pam snapped. "I've got this!"

She then slapped Ray. "Snap out of it and just do **it!** " She slapped him again. "Don't think about it! Just empty your mind and do it!"

"That shouldn't be too hard," Archer groaned.

"Okay here I go…" Ray took a breath then zoomed off.

"Seriously how can the man forget he has **super speed**?" Archer groaned. "If I had bionic legs I'd be running around like Quicksilver all the time!"

"Actually in Ray's case it's more like Northstar," Krieger corrected.

"Really? Ray doesn't look Canadian," Pam spoke up.

"You just **had** to become a secret agent did you Ray?" Ray groaned to himself as he ran, outrunning the laser fire. "You couldn't just stick with being a dancer could you? Nooooo! You had to go for the glamor of…"

Ray barely missed a shot. "Dukes!"

Ray ducked and weaved and grabbed as many laser guns as he could before running back to the others. "Grab 'em!" He handed them to Archer.

"Don't just give them all to me!" Archer barked as he gave them out. "Okay I got one. There's enough for Lana, Pam, Ray, Krieger and…"

Unfortunately Archer realized too late that he had also given a laser weapon to Cyril.

"SURPRESSING FIRE!" Cyril screamed as he shot his laser blasts.

Again it was very unfortunate because Cyril didn't have his eyes open (as was his tendency sometimes). So instead of aiming for the attackers, he was aiming right at the boat. Their only source of cover. Not to mention the boat's fuel was rather explosive.

Krieger was the first to realize this. "HIT THE DECK!"

"Oh shhhhh…." Archer began.

 **KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

"Mawp! Mawp! Mawp!" The next thing Archer knew he was flat on his back and his tinnitus was back. "Great! Tinnitus…The bitch is back…Mawp…"

Then some Iron Krieglins pointed some very big laser guns in his face. "Uh hey guys? Anyone know where a guy can get a drink around here?" Archer asked.

Soon the gang was led in handcuffs into a very large imposing palace. "So if you could just shoot Cyril first that would really make my day!" Archer snapped, his hearing restored as quickly as it went away. "And then maybe Ray and Krieger."

"How is this **my fault?"** Ray snapped. "I didn't give the gun to Cyril. This time."

"Fair enough," Archer admitted. "Okay just Krieger and Cyril then."

"You guys are in big trouble!" Krieger snapped. "You're looking at a real long time out!"

"Yeah I don't think they're going to listen to you," Lana groaned. "I knew it…I knew this plan was going to fail! Way to go Archer!"

"Me? How is this my fault?" Archer snapped.

"You just had to come in here with guns blasting," Lana snapped. "Making things up as you go along…"

"I was Archerizing the situation!" Archer snapped.

"By which the definition means to go into a situation with no real plan and screwing it up even more!" Lana snapped.

"The screwing up part is technically the Cyrilization," Archer said.

"You're the one who gave Cyril a weapon!" Ray screeched.

"Yeah it's like if you give a monkey a gun and the monkey blows stuff up you don't blame the monkey!" Pam snapped. "You blame the asshole who gave him the gun!"

"Unless the monkey was genetically enhanced with intelligence and trained to shoot guns," Krieger spoke up. "Then we have to consider the variable of free will…"

"Will you people please shut the hell up?" One of the Iron Krieglins shouted. "This is why we don't go to the surface world! You people are too annoying!"

"Seriously, give it a rest…" Another Iron Krieglin moaned.

"Oh I'm sorry," Archer said sarcastically. "Are we **annoying** you?"

"You **know** you are!" The first Iron Krieglin snapped.

"Yeah he is annoying," Cyril said. "Shoot him first."

"WHAT?" Archer snapped. "No, you get to be shot first!"

"Actually I think you both should be shot at the same time!" Ray snapped.

"Yeah I'm on board with that," Lana said.

"LANA!" Cyril and Archer shouted.

"It would solve a lot of your problems wouldn't it?" Pam asked Lana.

"PAM!" Archer shouted.

"You can't shoot me! Technically that's patricide," Krieger spoke up.

"And how many clones and other brother experiments did you get killed because of your carelessness?" The second Iron Krieglin asked.

"Oooh. Good point," Krieger winced.

"Look just shoot Cyril! Think of it as putting him out of his misery!" Archer protested.

"By shooting Archer you'd be putting us all out of our misery!" Cyril snapped.

"ENOUGH!"

A Krieglin stormed up to them, followed by more Krieglins. This Krieglin wore silver and red robes, a silver helmet on his head and had a pointy chin sticking out a little from his beard. "I could hear you screaming all the way across the palace! Seriously! Take a chill pill!"

"Who are you? The Goblin King?" Archer asked.

"Gremlin DNA! Not Goblins!" Krieger snapped. "Sheesh! Pay attention will you?"

"Welcome to Kriegtopia! I am Aldorph, leader of the Krieglins. Head of the High Council. And I'm also the guy who's in charge of the payroll and getting free cable around here."

"Wow. So you do have a lot of power," Pam was impressed.

"Yeah. I do. So maybe you might want to be **nice** to me? Just a hint," Aldorph folded his arms. "Because technically I am the guy who has the power of life and death over you since you invaded our ancient city of…How long has it been?"

"Two years next month," An Iron Krieglin spoke up.

"Wow. Time does fly doesn't it?" Aldorph blinked. "We should have a party or something to celebrate."

"Oh he's definitely **yours** Krieger," Archer groaned.

"Yes **Father,** " Aldorph glared at his creator. "And it's time for your reckoning!"

"And that's how they all died," Cyril moaned.

"It's time…" Aldorph paused for dramatic effect. "For you to put on that puppet show you promised us!"

 **"What?"** Lana looked like she was going to have an aneurysm.

"He said he was gonna put on his show 'Together We Can Defeat the Topsiders' but he never showed up!" Aldorph snapped. "He welshed on the deal."

"You're **joking** …" Ray's jaw dropped.

"We really like puppet shows," Aldorph shrugged.

"This is all because you forgot to show up for a **stupid puppet show**?" Archer shouted at Krieger.

"Well I meant to come but I got busy…" Krieger explained. "Then the old hologram ball and chain insisted on us having a few date nights. And you know those robot teddy bears won't build themselves no matter how hard you try to program them too. Lazy bastards. Then we all went to Nellis and Branson and I just sort of forgot about it."

"Oh my God this is the **dumbest mission ever** …" Ray moaned. "And over the years there have been some serious contenders for **that title**!"

"So you're not going to kill us?" Archer asked.

"No but the day is young," Aldorph sighed. "Look all we want is for our father to put on the play he promised us."

"That's **it**?" Ray blinked.

"That's it," Aldorph said.

"So to recap," Lana took a breath. "You only invaded our agency because your deadbeat dad over here welshed on a deal to play with you. Nothing to do with taking over the world or…?"

"Actually we did consider that," Aldorph explained. "In the early days of our civilization some of us wanted to take over the world as the next evolution of human kind. Others wanted to befriend humanity and live in peace with them. This caused great strife among our civilization. Lots of arguments over dinner and frying pans thrown around."

"So what happened?" Archer asked.

"We went with Plan C," Aldorph said. "Stay out of sight until either humanity grows up or blows itself up. During this time we increase our numbers, become super advanced so if the latter happens…which it probably will…We can simply take over what's left of the world and rebuild it."

"Smart plan," Pam admitted.

"I know right?" Aldorph said. "I mean look at those X-Men comics. They've had the same argument for fifty years and can't get it right. The so called good guys get picked on and when they do save the world nobody appreciates it. And the bad guys aren't exactly helping their cause at all. Actually from what we've read in the comics both sides screw up mutant rights pretty much equally."

"The man does have a point," Ray admitted.

"It's not like we're actively rooting for the human race to die off," Aldorph spoke up. "I mean if humanity advances to the point where it's super tolerant and war is obsolete. Great! More power to 'em! It's just uh, we're kind of being realists here."

"Yeah come on guys," Another Krieglin said. "The odds are a bit higher that you'll all kill each other."

"Like ninety percent higher," Another spoke up.

"And in that case why bother going to war with the surface world when they can just take themselves out?" Aldorph asked. "Sounds like a lot of unnecessary work to me."

"And say we did take over the planet from the humans? Then what?" Another Krieglin spoke up. "There's still the problems of poverty, pollution, global warming, massive unemployment…"

"Exactly!" Aldorph asked. "Not to mention the possible human rebellion and uprisings and who has time to deal with **that**?"

"Oh yeah that would really cut into things," Archer agreed.

"Right? So why not try to solve those problems **before** we imposed our rule on the world?" Aldorph asked. "Because anything else is just short sighted."

"Don't forget the energy crisis," Cyril spoke up.

"Oh man don't get me **started** on the energy crisis!" Aldorph groaned. "I mean we do pretty alright here so far but there are still some bugs to work out. We figure we can solve it globally at least thirty to forty years from now."

"Would have been twenty but we're kind of hooked on reality shows and other late night programs," Another Krieglin said.

"So you guys have plenty to do without going after the surface world?" Archer said.

"We're not in a rush," Aldorph nodded. "Speaking of which…"

"Oh come on!" Mallory snapped as she and Cheryl followed a couple of Krieglins into the room. "Why not work for me? I can give you pretty much whatever you want! Money! Power! Women! Hey, do wanna take over your own island and make it a country? I know a few places begging for a regime change!"

"You called it," Pam said to Ray.

"Are you guys okay?" Lana asked.

"No, I'm totally bored! They were trying to talk us into some boring time share," Cheryl grumbled. "And they wouldn't even put out!"

"We may be mutated freaks but we're not that desperate," One of the Krieglins grumbled. "So glad we can reproduce asexually."

"Again you called it," Pam said to Ray.

"One thing I don't get…" Archer began.

" **One** thing?" Ray asked.

"If all you wanted was Krieger to put on a play then why did you shoot at us?" Archer barked.

"You attacked **us!** " One of the Iron Krieglins shouted. "Remember? Crazy lady tried to run us over with that copier toaster machine. You shot at us. And this one tried to **stake** us!" He pointed at Mallory. "We were just defending ourselves!"

"Oh right," Archer realized. "That was our bad."

"Then why were you shooting at us just now?" Krieger asked.

"Again, you threatened us! And attacked us!" Aldorph snapped. "Remember? Ramming your boat through the gates. If we really wanted to kill you we would have simply blown you up the second you entered!"

"Instead Cyril nearly did it himself," Pam quipped.

"You know…?" Cyril snapped.

"I thought that was weird you didn't do that," Archer realized.

"Okay fine! I'll do your puppet show!" Krieger groaned. "Pam will you give me a hand? Literally because they're puppets."

"YAAAAAAYYY!" Pam jumped up and down with glee.

"Fine. Can you at least untie the rest of us?" Archer groaned.

"Uh. No. Because then you'll all try to escape," Aldorph gave him a look.

"Yeah we would," Archer admitted. "So you're making us watch the puppet show too? Thanks a lot Mother!"

"How is this my fault?" Mallory snapped.

"Who brought Krieger over from Argentina?" Archer asked.

"Fair enough," Mallory groaned.

"To the Puppet Theater on Krieger Avenue!" Aldorph called out. The Iron Krieglins cheered.

"Should have let myself get eaten by Pinchy when I had the chance," Archer sighed.

A few hours later…

"That was amazing! Boffo!" Aldorph cheered as he, his entourage and the gang exited the large puppet theater that made the Metropolitan Opera House look like a fried chicken shack. "That play had everything! A timeless message! Hope! Excitement!"

"Puppet sex!" Cheryl said cheerfully.

"Fires…" Ray groaned. "Lots of fires and people burned in effigy."

"Lot of cities being burned in effigy," Cyril groaned.

"Oh yeah the fires were great!" Cheryl whooped. "Best puppet show ever!"

"That musical number at the end where half of humanity is wiped out by a giant sewer monster made up of condoms and machine parts was a bit disturbing," Archer groaned. "For so many reasons."

"That rather graphic segment about Wall Street burning down and all those stockbrokers being chased by sewer monsters was interesting," Pam admitted. "And fun to act!"

"You know what else was interesting?" Cheryl giggled. "Nearly all the old female puppets that got burnt up looked like Ms. Archer!"

"Oh yeah. I did notice that," Ray admitted.

"There are days when I wish I left Krieger back in Argentina to be eaten by his own Dobermans," Mallory's eye twitched. "And they're starting to multiply."

"Kind of almost wish they did want to kidnap Cheryl and Mother for some kind of sex thing," Archer said. "We could have just left them and…" Mallory glared at her son. "Kidding! Just kidding!"

"How about I cut your salary? Oh **kidding**!" Mallory snarled. "But no I'm not. I'm definitely cutting your salary you ass!"

"Oh God no. Seriously kidnap those two for…Ughhhh!" Aldorph shuddered. "Cheryl maybe because she's hot but still…"

"Don't go there!" Mallory warned.

"Besides we already have women," Aldorph spoke up.

"Yeah we noticed," Cyril winced as he saw several female Krieglins in colorful dresses. "So that's what Krieger looks like without a beard. Kind of."

"Some of them have beards," Pam pointed out. "Pretty sexy actually."

"Try to control yourself Archer," Lana quipped.

"I think that won't be a problem for once," Archer groaned. A female Krieglin in a purple dress with a beard winked and blew him a kiss. "There's something else that will go in the ol' nightmare vault."

"Wait if they're **female** clones…Wouldn't they technically be sisters of…?" Cyril did a double take.

"UUUHHGGGHH!" Everyone shuddered violently at the mental image.

"This must be like just back home for you," Mallory quipped to Ray. "Like one of your family reunions."

"Only on my Aunt Ralph's side!" Ray barked.

"Aunt…Ralph?" Lana winced.

"She has some…hormone problems," Ray winced. "Don't ask."

"I won't," Mallory groaned. "I won't say that tiptoeing through the sewage that is Krieger's family tree…Which is full of root rot…Hasn't been fun, but…It **hasn't been**! Sterling get me out of here!"

"Now hold on a minute," Lana spoke up. "Okay this place is a little weird but look around…This is an entire underground city! And not just any underground city…Look at it! It's clean, ultra-modern, and environmentally friendly considering the location. This is our chance to study a somewhat advanced civilization. Think about what we can learn from this place!"

"I gotta admit it is pretty impressive," Archer looked around. "They have bars on every street corner. Shops. Tailors. Cordwainers…If they're civilized enough to have cordwainers, you gotta give it to them."

"Even their pigeons have evolved," Ray remarked as several colorful birds flew by. "Look like parrots."

FFFFOOOOOOMMM!

"Fire breathing parrots," Ray blinked.

"Oh I wondered what happened to those," Krieger said. "I was trying to create my own phoenix. Didn't really work out the way I was hoping."

"Wait until you see the radioactive dancing rat shows!" Aldorph said cheerfully. "They really spark up the night! Literally. Which reminds me I'd better make sure the fire department and the burn unit wards are on standby."

"Okay I'm ready to go now," Lana groaned.

"One problem," Pam pointed out. "Our ride is busted. Well not so much busted as blown up."

"Thank you Cyril!" Krieger groaned. "And you wonder why we don't give you a gun!"

"Who gave him a gun?" Mallory asked.

"Archer," Everyone said as one.

"I thought you knew better by now!" Mallory snapped. "Ass!"

"Who me, or Cyril?" Archer blinked.

"It's a tie!" Mallory glared.

"Don't worry we have plenty of boats," Aldorph waved. "Our shipping industry is pretty good. We're working on an amphibious tank. Still a lot of bugs to work out. Mostly giant mutant cockroaches that like to eat the metal."

"Fine we'll take one!" Mallory groaned. "Just so I can get out of here and pretend this day never happened!"

Twenty minutes later…

"Which will be hard because this will definitely be in my nightmares for many years to come," Mallory groaned as she sat in the boat. It was purple like Krieger's other ship only it had a figurehead carving of a female bearded Krieglin in front.

"Oh come on!" Krieger waved as he piloted the boat away from the city. "It's not that bad!"

"Is there at least any kind of alcohol on this purple puke ship?" Mallory grumbled.

"No, I checked…" Archer grumbled. "And if ever I need a drink it's now!"

"You always need a drink!" Cyril protested.

"And this time I need a drink even more than usual!" Archer groaned. "Oh God I think the smells are coming back…"

"Relax! I totally know a quick safe shortcut that will have us out of here in less than ten minutes," Krieger told them.

Fifteen minutes later…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Everyone screamed as Krieger tried to steer the boat away from something huge in the water with purple tentacles.

"BACK! BACK! BACK! BEFORE I MAKE MUTANT SUSHI OUT OF YOU!" Ray screamed as he shot at the monster.

Archer was shooting too. "Damn it Krieger! I am not going to be eaten by overgrown calamari because you got us lost!"

"We're gonna die! We're gonna die!" Cyril screamed as he held onto Lana who was also shooting at the monster.

"Cyril get off!" Lana shoved him off.

"HOLD ME PAM!" Cyril cried as he jumped over into Pam's arms.

"ME TOO!" Cheryl ran into Pam's arms at the same time.

"Holy sewer snacks!" Pam screamed.

"God I hate you people…" Mallory looked slightly green from seasickness. Or the smell of the sewers. Or just being around her staff.

"HANG ON!" Krieger made a hard right to port. "I KNOW A SHORTCUT THAT WILL GET US OUT OF HERE!"

Ten minutes later…

"Are we there yet?" Cheryl asked in a bored tone as the ship went through the darkness.

"No," Krieger said.

"Are we there yet?" Cheryl asked again.

"No."

"Are we there yet?" Cheryl asked.

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No! Damn it! Hey! At least I got us away from the monster!" Krieger snapped.

"You nearly got us killed by the monster!" Cyril shouted.

"Shut up and let me pilot!" Krieger said. "I know what I'm doing!"

"That will be a first," Mallory groaned.

"Are we there yet?" Cheryl asked.

"NO!" Krieger snapped. Suddenly the ship lurched forwards very fast. "Oh wait I mean yes."

"Are we going **faster?** " Cyril asked.

"Well yeah because the rapids are coming up," Krieger said. "Oh boy…I hope this boat holds together. I'd hate for what happened last time to happen again."

"What happened **last time**?" Ray shouted.

"You don't want to know," Krieger said.

"Uh yeah I think I **do**!" Ray snapped.

"Hey I see a light!" Pam pointed.

"Okay! Everybody hang on and try not to die!" Krieger shouted.

"That's basically our freakin' motto!" Pam groaned.

"I hate you people so much!" Mallory shouted.

"THE FEELING IS MUTUAL!" Cyril shouted back at her.

Seven minutes later….

FFFFLOOOOOSHHH!

"What do you know? We didn't die…" Krieger gasped as they emerged from the water. "The boat is totally wrecked but we didn't die."

"Hate you all so much…" Mallory gasped. She and the others were completely drenched as they made their way to a shallow section of the tunnel.

"Ugh that smell! You would think filtered water wouldn't smell so bad!" Lana groaned as she looked at herself. "Great! My suede boots are ruined!"

"Uh guys…This water isn't filtered," Krieger coughed.

"Wait so we're literally…" Archer realized what had happened. "Standing in…"

"Yeah…" Krieger winced.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Archer, Lana, Ray, and Cyril screamed in frustration.

"EWWWWWWWW!" Cheryl winced.

"Oh please! I grew up on a farm! Like this the first time I've ever been covered in…" Pam began.

"Pam I swear to God if you **say it** I will shoot you and leave your corpse down here for the sewer monsters to feed on!" Mallory screamed. "I swear to God I have got to get **new people!** Because the ones I have are **idiots**! **Excrement covered idiots**!"

"For the second time this year!" Ray groaned.

"Hey! This time this isn't my fault! Well mostly…" Pam looked around. "I think. Then again…"

"Don't finish that sentence Pam," Lana moaned. "I am going to need like a million tetanus shots as it is."

"Krieger…" Mallory growled.

"Don't worry. I know where we are now," Krieger waved. "We'll be out of here and emerge in an alley close to our building soon. Ten minutes tops."

Twenty five minutes later…

"This has been a horrible, horrible, horrible day…" Cyril moaned as he leaned against the wall in the alley where the manhole connecting to the sewer was. Ray, Cheryl, Pam and Lana were also out and not looking too well. (Or smelling that well for that matter.)

"Really? Because I had a **ball**!" Archer said sarcastically as he emerged from the sewer. "Let's see…I was forced to do manual labor. Ruined my thousand dollar suit beyond recognition. Got attacked by Iron Krieglins who kidnapped my mother and Cheryl. Forcing me to take the worst trip through the sewers ever. Got felt up by Pam. Attacked again by Iron Krieglins in some weird underground city. Saw the weirdest and most subversive puppet show since Avenue Q! Nearly eaten by sewer monsters. And oh yeah I'm covered in **raw sewage!** GOOD TIMES!"

"I so regret my choice in careers now," Cyril moaned. "And practically every other day since I joined this so called agency!"

"Oh and I almost forgot," Archer went on. "The office is completely trashed again! So thanks for nothing Mother! Great plan!"

"Well I didn't think you morons could screw up a simple cleaning job…" Mallory grumbled as she emerged from the sewer. "But once again **you top yourselves**!"

"Technically it was mostly Krieger's fault," Archer pointed out.

"Thanks a lot for throwing me under the bus," Krieger frowned as he emerged from the sewer.

"Don't tempt me to literally do that! Not only do I smell of sewage and have to burn my brand new dress…For so many reasons," Mallory winced as they walked out of the alley. "My office is now an even bigger mess than it was before."

"Again I am not cleaning **that** up!" Ray spoke up.

"Obviously! I'm going to use my own money…" Mallory began.

"Ron's money," Ray corrected.

"Shut up!" Mallory glared at him. "I'm paying a professional contractor and cleanup service out of my own pocket to clean up the mess the Iron Krieglins made! In hindsight I should have known better than to let you idiots do…"

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Oh dear God what fresh kind of Hell is going on **now**?" Mallory shouted as the ground shook.

"Wow that's a really big fire over there!" Cheryl pointed and then jumped up and down clapping her hands excitedly. "BEST DAY EVER!"

"Is that the building behind the dumpster where we dumped Krieger's container?" Cyril gulped.

"Oh yeah. That's probably our bad," Pam admitted.

"So uh, on top of everything else we set fire to a building…" Cyril gulped.

"What do you mean by **we?"** Ray shouted.

"The bomb squad is really not going to be happy to see us again," Pam remarked.

"The **perfect** end to a **perfect** freaking day!" Mallory groaned as the sound of fire engines were heard as the pillar of smoke rose higher.

"I know!" Cheryl giggled. Mallory just glared at her and growled.

"I guess having us clean really was a bad idea," Krieger said innocently. Mallory glared at him. "What?"

"Okay here's the plan," Archer spoke up. "If anyone calls and asks we were all in the office getting drunk. We all played some cards, did some crossword puzzles and watched Internet porn. And this day **never happened!** Got it?"

"Yeah okay," Ray nodded.

"Got it," Pam said.

"Sounds like a very good alibi to me," Cyril agreed.

"And completely plausible," Lana groaned.

"It's a hell of a lot more plausible than you idiots doing any kind of work I have to admit," Mallory groaned.


End file.
